I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
