Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Found your dick twin last night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
