i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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