i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
