Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
