I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
