So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The Olympian is in my bed
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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