Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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