Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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