dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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