In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
