i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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