i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Randomize
