I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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