the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
