I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
