having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
