ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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