there's paper in my vomit.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
