K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
