Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
