My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
