chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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