the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
