I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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