someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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