I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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