Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
