My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
