What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
