Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
