The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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