Can i not drive my cunt home
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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