he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
