I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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