Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
