They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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