There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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