Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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