even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
