I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
