pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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