How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
