i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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