I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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