Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
