There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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