Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
