I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Welp...herpes.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
