hotel room ftw
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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