I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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