Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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